Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Uggg!

Yesterday was our 14 year anniversary, and we spent it in a bad mood. My Sis is being a pain. She has been defiant and not listening and just being a brat. I talked to her yesterday and she admitted that she is trying to push hubby and I apart so I could spend more time with her, and that she feels left out. I flat out told her that if she forces me to choose between the two of them that she will loose because I will choose my hubby over her. But that will also affect Dad. I can't afford to stay home and take care of Dad if she isn't here as well, and if she goes, I will have to put Dad in a Long Term Care facility and go back to work. It is all or nothing.

We ended up making up and working things out, but we are both still so frustrated with her behavior. Most parents can look forward to their kids growing out of a difficult stage, but Sis will be stuck here forever. I just hope that she realizes that she has to adapt. She is not nor will she ever be the center of my universe. I know that sounds harsh, but my Mom, who I love, did the best she could with what she knew, and she made Sis the center of everything. Sis got a present on My birthday as a child, because Mom didn't think that she would understand why I was getting all the attention. I didn't get a present on her birthday because I could understand. And that is just a small thing, Mom would miss my soccer games or whatever to be at Sis' events. I did and do understand but it has made my life that much harder because I am not willing to give up who I am and what I want for her. She can blend in with the family, she can give up being the center of the world so that EVERYONE gets what they need.
I can see how easy it is to give up what you want for someone with special needs, but I need to maintain my life. I don't want to just be a caregiver. I want to maintain ME! I want to live my LIFE, and it is only a small part of my life that is a caregiver. I am still a wife and a person, a daughter, a friend, and a sister. I am not a single thing. I am a whole complete person, and I want to keep it that way.
I am so frustrated because I don't know how to get through to her that she is the one that is the cause of all her groundings and not being included. If she would what we ask with out the defiance, she would be included, but I am not willing to reward bad behavior. I have the energy to fight with her and not give in and back down like Mom used to do.

I do have to stay that my husband has taken on so much, not only did he marry me, he has taken on my sis and now my father, and he is supporting us with all this turmoil and frustration. He is my Rock, and my sanity, my best friend, my love, and the world to me. I love him more today than I did on the day I married him. I had no idea when we married what life would bring, and it has never been boring, but through it all we have always been a good team! We are definitely soul mates. Not many people are as lucky as I am to have found my soul mate at 19. Thank you for an adventurous 14 years. Here is looking forward to the next chapters of our life.