Monday, November 29, 2010

Lost

I have no idea what to do or what is going to happen. I seem so lost and confused. Things seem to be falling apart around me and I have no control over anything. My head hurts, my heart hurts and I am so afraid. I have never been scared like this. I don't know what is going to happen and I am not doing well not having control. Or at least an illusion of control.

I have so much anger, and so much sadness. I am second guessing my decision to do what I thought was right at the time. But now it seems like that decision will destroy everything else.

Please God help me. I am so afraid of this test. Please please don't let him hate me anymore. I can handle almost anything but I know I couldn't handle his hate. It would destroy me beyond repair.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Heavy Heart

I have a heavy heart today. My Aunt Elaine is in her final hours on this world. It brings back so many memories of my Mom's passing. However I am jealous because I know that the family will survive as a unit. I so miss my big family. I have done everything I can to try and hold it together, but you can only beat against a brick wall for so long before you don't have any strength left.

My Aunt has such a beautiful soul. She was always so caring and giving and just so pure of heart. She was one of the nicest people I have ever had the fortune of knowing. My heart is breaking for her family. I hope that they find peace in knowing that she is going to be reunited with her loving husband who passed last year, as well as her wonderful parents and 3 of her siblings. I know that her family will be waiting with open arms across the veil of this world in Heaven.

God, please be with her and her family in this very difficult time. Please bring them peace and comfort knowing that her suffering is at an end. Take care of their heavy hearts and sorrow. Thank you Lord. Amen

Thursday, November 11, 2010

The routine of things

I am slowly getting into a routine of things, However I have found that I have lost my mind. I used to be able to do a thousand things at once and know exactly what was going on, but now I have to write down the most ordinary of things or I completely forget to do them.

Now that race season is over, I am just doing cleaning and getting ready for my In-Law's visit for Thanksgiving.

I also find that the smallest things are irritating me. My husband is driving me crazy. I love him, and I know that things are also frustrating for him but he promised me that he would try to not ride my ass about things and all I have heard from him this week is bitch bitch bitch. Yes my Dad has attitude, and things are stressful but I don't need you (him) treating me like a mindless child. I am not the one who gets to take a 3 hour nap. I am busy from the moment you leave the house until the minute we go to bed. I am always taking care of someone else's needs. Weather it is Dad, Sis or you,,,, who the fuck is taking care of ME!!!???!!!! That is right, no one! Don't get pissy with me because I forgot to make juice, or didn't do some non-immediate need thing.

I may be irritated because I know that I don't have any breaks coming up. Nothing to look forward to, to get me out of the rut of life.

Did we make the right decision. Should I have put Dad in a assisted living center and Traci in a group home and stayed working? Things would have been tight and that would have presented it own challenges I am sure, but right now those challenges seem like something that would have been easier to deal with. I am sure that it wouldn't be, but they say the grass is always greener on the other side.

Well I am off to clean the kitchen and see what else I can get done!