Uggg! Frustration

I know it has been a while since I have posted anything.
I am so frustrated right now. I took Dad into the VA for respite care so I could go to the Halloween Classic. They decided that he would benefit from some very aggressive physical therapy. He is home now and doing better. However while he was in there we started the process to get a grant to have our bathroom on the main floor of the house remodeled to include a shower so we can move Dad downstairs. Well reading the application we have to be ADA compliant. I have no issue with that, but we don't really have the room to do it without some major changes in the house. SO I called today to get clarification, and was told that the only thing that we would need to be concerned with is the Shower, as that is what the grant is for. But then I was thrown for another loop as Dad is NOT service connected, and so he only qualifies for $2,000.00. I think that it will take at least 4 thousand to do the shower. So we are hosed.
I will still have the contractors I have scheduled come out tomorrow to see if they can do it that cheap, but I don't think that it a possibility. I am so bummed. I was really hoping that we could get this done so we could move Dad downstairs. I know that it would be the most ideal situation as he would be using the dinning room as a bedroom, and would have sheets for doors, but it would eliminate the need for him to ever have to use the stairs.

Oh well, we will continue on, and do what we can.

Another Crazy week

This week has been super crazy. I brought Dad home last Thursday, and we got back into a regular routine on Friday. Friday and Saturday went well, or as well as could be expected with Dad being weak, and tiring easily. So Sunday we get up and I get him in the shower, and then make his breakfast. Well while he was eating he started coughing, and he couldn't stop. He ended up tearing a whole in his left lung again, so we were off to the ER by Ambulance. He collapsed his lung again. So he has been in the hospital since with a chest tube. I am going to try and be up at the hospital early enough to talk to the Dr and see what the next step is, and if Dad can/should come home, or if he needs to go back to rehab for a few more weeks.

This has been so tough. I love my Dad, and would prefer to take care of him here at home, but he is spending so much time in hospitals and rehab centers I am scared for what it means for his health. I know what the statistics are and they don't favor Dad making a recovery. That really scares me. I am not ready to lose my Dad. And I don't know what if anything I can do to help him get better and make a recovery. Even if it isn't a great recovery, at least get him stable enough to hang around for a while longer.

So many things keep going through my head and heart that I know that I am over thinking the whole situation. I need to remember to keep my faith in God, and trust that he knows best. And trust in His plan.

Dad is coming home tomorrow. It has been a long hard road again. He is doing well, but I know that once he is home any free time that I have had will disappear. He will need a ton of help again, and we will start all over with at home PT, OT and other therapy. Plus the PT at the skilled nursing center has said that Dad will most likely never be able to walk unassisted again. So that means lots of trips up and down the stairs for me. We are getting a bedside commode for him to use while I am out for grocery shopping and other life's errands. I have spent most of the morning getting his sitting room rearranged to accommodate that new piece of equipment.

Today is also going to be a very hard day for me as we are putting Whiskey to sleep today. She is 15, and she is in a lot of pain. It is time, but it breaks my heart as she is basically my "first born" furbaby.
She has been with me through the hardest times in my life, always willing to give me licks and snuggles. Granted she has also been my problem dog with her fear of loud noises like thunder and fireworks. And she was a jumper and got spooked and ran away quiet a few times. We have had to bail her out of doggy jail (the pound) and she has had her fair share of accidents and major vet bills. She has been a good dog, and she has pulled off some amazing stunts in her life.

I will always miss you, my Baby girl.

Coming home

Dad will be coming home on Wednesday. I am grateful for the small break I have had, but he has to come home once insurance stops covering his care. We did apply for some extra insurance, but they want over $1000 this month if he stays in the rehab facility as a co-pay, and then over $2000 next month. It is so frustrating. He has so much more work to do, and I am not sure how much he will be able to do here.
Plus it will definitely change what I am able to do. I am going to be on lock down for a while. I know that I signed up for this, and I know that I honestly don't have much time left. Dad's health is rapidly declining now, since his fall in Sept when he broke his hip, and we have had just one thing after another since then. I don't think that Dad will bounce back to being able to be independent at any level, and I think that will more than crush his spirit. He doesn't want to be a burden, and I don't feel that he is, but he will feel that way. Especially when I am staying home from races this year (for the most part) and only Cody will be going. I am very upset about that. I will so miss my racing family. And Cody has his 20 year class reunion this summer, and I may not be able to go at all. We had thought about going and then I would fly home from Boise as he will be staying in Boise for a race, but I am not sure we will be able to make that work. I want to be with Cody for that. It isn't something that happens every year, like a lot of the races I am going to miss this year. I know that I will be able to go to them again, as we will have plenty of time for that when this adventure is complete. I am sure we will work it all out. We always do, I am a fixer and a problem solver and we make things work.

UUUGGG, Really?

I never thought it would be this hard. I am not sure I can do this anymore. Dad needs constant help! He tried going to the bathroom on his own today, and yep you guessed it, He fell again. No injury, but now it will be at least another week before he even thinks to attempt it.

Sis is pushing buttons. She totally ignored hubby on Wednesday when I was out walking, and he is ready to leave. I don't blame him, I am ready to follow too. We have 7 weeks until our first big race and right now I don't think I am going to be able to go. I can't afford to have someone here 24/7, and Dad can't be left alone for more than a couple of hours.

I am so overwhelmed. Hubby is doing the best he can to help, and I have wonderful friends that are willing to stay with Dad for a while, but I am going nucking futs! Hopefully things settle down soon, but I am not very optimistic at this time.

I don't know if I am strong enough!

Today was hell. I am so fucking tired. My wonderful husband let me sleep in today. But after that everything went to hell. Dad was whiny and demanding, and Sis was pushing her buttons as usual but the breaking point for me came when Dad hollered to go to the bathroom (in the middle of his lunch) and hubby and I were talking. Well I left in the middle of our conversation, and got Dad into the bathroom just to find a plugged toilet. So while I am trying to get the toilet working, Dad has an accident.

I lost it. I know it was a little thing to have a meltdown over, but it was the straw that broke this camels back. I don't know if I should look for a job and then get Dad and Sis into assisted living homes, so I can have my life back, or just suck it up and chalk it up to a bad day and move on. I will probably just chalk it up to a bad day, but I am really questioning why God thinks I am this strong.

I haven't had a break from Dad and or Sis since August of last year. I was hoping to get a weekend this month but it didn't happen. February is not looking good either. I just need a few hours to let go and unwind a bit. But there is always something or someone who comes first for me lately. I know I chose this life but I am forgetting who I AM. Right now I feel like I am only her to serve the needs of everyone else. What about me, what about my marriage. I feel so bad for my husband, he not only is working to support all of us, he has to deal with a wife that is a basket case on most days because I am overwhelmed. I haven't had a shower in a week because I can't find the time to do it. And the last time I showered, I wasn't even dried off from the shower and Dad needed to go to the bathroom again. I had made sure and taken him just before I got in the shower.

I am so tired. And so scared that I am not strong enough to handle this anymore. I never thought that I would be doing this alone. I have great friends who do what they can, and I have wonderful support from extended family, but no one is close enough to really help out on a regular basis. Please God grant me the strength to continue on this path. I need your help to make it through this very difficult time, yet again.

Starting over yet again!

Well 2011 was a pretty crappy year overall. It did have it's good momements, and things were pretty quiet until late in the year.

I wanted to Celebrate when Dad hit his one year mark from his fall. Things were going well. We managed to make it to a few races, and we even went camping over the Fourth of July with some really good friends. Then after we got home from the Team Finals in September I offered to take my girlfriends girls for the weekend so she could spend some quality time with her significant other. Well low and behold, Dad fell and broke his hip. So after surgery to repair the hip, his heart starts freaking out. Another surgery to put in a pacemaker/defibulator. Now off to rehab, again. He finally got home the a few weeks before Thanksgiving. He was extremely week and had a very hard time managing the stairs. So instead of going home to Idaho for Christmas, we re-arranged the house and moved Dad upstairs permantly.

Yeah, now he has more energy, and he is getting up and going to the bathroom on his own, and things are slowly but surely getting back to our normal(which is crazy for anyone else). On his last visit with Physical Therapy, he had trouble breathing. 911 to the rescue, and we found out he tore a whole in his lung from COUGHING! He spent another week in the hospital and came home 2 days ago.

So now we are back to Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy and Nursing visits, and Dad needing help with getting up and into the bathroom and all that fun stuff again.


And to top it all off, we have a new puppy so things are super crazy all the time here out our house.

I have to say a great big THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU, to our wonderful friends who help me deal with this crazy ass life of mine, and for doing your best to help keep me sane. I know it is a lot of work. I am so blessed to have you all in my life, and you know who you are! :)

I really hope that Dad's recovery is short and easy. We all need a break. We have to get moving on getting everything race ready. Race season is fast approaching and we have lots to do.