Saturday, January 21, 2012

I don't know if I am strong enough!

Today was hell. I am so fucking tired. My wonderful husband let me sleep in today. But after that everything went to hell. Dad was whiny and demanding, and Sis was pushing her buttons as usual but the breaking point for me came when Dad hollered to go to the bathroom (in the middle of his lunch) and hubby and I were talking. Well I left in the middle of our conversation, and got Dad into the bathroom just to find a plugged toilet. So while I am trying to get the toilet working, Dad has an accident.

I lost it. I know it was a little thing to have a meltdown over, but it was the straw that broke this camels back. I don't know if I should look for a job and then get Dad and Sis into assisted living homes, so I can have my life back, or just suck it up and chalk it up to a bad day and move on. I will probably just chalk it up to a bad day, but I am really questioning why God thinks I am this strong.

I haven't had a break from Dad and or Sis since August of last year. I was hoping to get a weekend this month but it didn't happen. February is not looking good either. I just need a few hours to let go and unwind a bit. But there is always something or someone who comes first for me lately. I know I chose this life but I am forgetting who I AM. Right now I feel like I am only her to serve the needs of everyone else. What about me, what about my marriage. I feel so bad for my husband, he not only is working to support all of us, he has to deal with a wife that is a basket case on most days because I am overwhelmed. I haven't had a shower in a week because I can't find the time to do it. And the last time I showered, I wasn't even dried off from the shower and Dad needed to go to the bathroom again. I had made sure and taken him just before I got in the shower.

I am so tired. And so scared that I am not strong enough to handle this anymore. I never thought that I would be doing this alone. I have great friends who do what they can, and I have wonderful support from extended family, but no one is close enough to really help out on a regular basis. Please God grant me the strength to continue on this path. I need your help to make it through this very difficult time, yet again.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Starting over yet again!

Well 2011 was a pretty crappy year overall. It did have it's good momements, and things were pretty quiet until late in the year.

I wanted to Celebrate when Dad hit his one year mark from his fall. Things were going well. We managed to make it to a few races, and we even went camping over the Fourth of July with some really good friends. Then after we got home from the Team Finals in September I offered to take my girlfriends girls for the weekend so she could spend some quality time with her significant other. Well low and behold, Dad fell and broke his hip. So after surgery to repair the hip, his heart starts freaking out. Another surgery to put in a pacemaker/defibulator. Now off to rehab, again. He finally got home the a few weeks before Thanksgiving. He was extremely week and had a very hard time managing the stairs. So instead of going home to Idaho for Christmas, we re-arranged the house and moved Dad upstairs permantly.

Yeah, now he has more energy, and he is getting up and going to the bathroom on his own, and things are slowly but surely getting back to our normal(which is crazy for anyone else). On his last visit with Physical Therapy, he had trouble breathing. 911 to the rescue, and we found out he tore a whole in his lung from COUGHING! He spent another week in the hospital and came home 2 days ago.

So now we are back to Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy and Nursing visits, and Dad needing help with getting up and into the bathroom and all that fun stuff again.


And to top it all off, we have a new puppy so things are super crazy all the time here out our house.

I have to say a great big THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU, to our wonderful friends who help me deal with this crazy ass life of mine, and for doing your best to help keep me sane. I know it is a lot of work. I am so blessed to have you all in my life, and you know who you are! :)

I really hope that Dad's recovery is short and easy. We all need a break. We have to get moving on getting everything race ready. Race season is fast approaching and we have lots to do.