Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year

Well to say it has been an eventful year would be the understatement of the decade for me.

January started out somewhat calm. I was worried and praying for my Aunt who was battling pneumonia. But Cody was on the mend finally and we were looking forward to our year of racing. We were trying to figure out what projects could get done in the small amount of time we had left before racing season started. We had already decided to wait to put the diesel motor in the motor home as that is a HUGE project and Cody wasn't quiet up to it with his hand yet.

We were enjoying the relative peace. Then Wiskey got sick again and we had her back into the Vet's for another surgery. She had eaten more stuffing and had blocked up her stomach again. (She had done the same thing while we were at our last race of 2009) She came through the surgery fine. But she has become once expensive doggie. Cody suggested we call her "supercharger" because with all the vet bills he could have bought a supercharger for his Camaro!

Then in February I had Traci's annual meeting with her caseworker. I was able to increase my care hours for her to the point we could afford for me to stay home. Cody and I talked and talked and talked about it and we had decided that I would continue working until the end of the year and we would take the time and the extra to pay off bills and put some money into savings for emergencies. It was such a great plan, but it fell apart the very next day. That is when Dad fell down the stairs.
I remember so clearly hearing the crash. I came flying down the stairs to see Dad on his side at the bottom of the stairs. He was trying to stand up. I called 911 and told him that he was going to stay on the floor until the Paramedics got here and told me he was fine. Well he wasn't. He broke 8 ribs, punctured his lung and cracked his pelvis. He spent the next 5 weeks in ICU sedated and hooked up to all sorts of machines.
Cody took over cooking and caring for Traci, as I was working and spending my time at the hospital. I don't really remember much of March. I was meeting with so many Doctors and nurses and caseworkers. It was a very scary time.
I do remember coming home from the hospital one night to bloody kitty prints on my floor. While Cody was cooking dinner, Tiger had hurt himself. So after we couldn't get the bleeding to stop it was off to the ER Vet with the cat.
After months of hospitals and rehab centers and being pulled in 500 different directions Dad came home. I had requested FMLA from work hoping and praying that I could get Dad back on his feet enough so that I could go back to work. That was not to be. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. I mean I loved my job. It was fun and the people I worked with were awesome, and I couldn't even imagine working somewhere else. Not many people can say they loved their job like that. Even on the worst day's I still looked forward to getting up and going into work the next day.
So now I am home and don't really know what to do with myself. Dad has physical therapy, and occupational therapy and doctor appointment and doctor appointment.
We start to settle into a routine and just as we are getting it all worked out, Dad goes back into the hospital with a intestinal blockage. The Dr's are starting to irritate me with their wait and see approach but they finally do surgery to remove some scar tissue. Now we are back to PT and OT and follow up and trying to get Dad back to a healthy weight.
Once we get back to a good spot we take a week long road trip to visit Dad's siblings. We head to Idaho and see Aunt Rosemary and we also saw Dennis (my oldest brother) and my Sis in Love, as well as my Inlaws. Then we head to Elko to see Uncle Jim, (and Kids) Aunt Sharon was in the hospital so we were not able to visit with her. We also missed seeing a couple of cousin's but we were able to see the majority of the family.
We got home and Dad came down with a fever the next day. I took him into the Dr and he had pneumonia. So we battled that for almost a month total, and now we are back to being mostly healthy.

Cody and I were able to race this year. Cody did great going to the finals in 50% of the races he attended!
I of course blew up my engine 1/2 way through the year. I was doing well before that and had even made it to the Semi-Finals!
Cody lost in the final round at the team race in Canada.

I was so proud of him. He had such a great year. He finished 3rd in the points at Madras and he missed 6 events!
We had a blast as usual at the Halloween Classic! I love that race! Then we got home and Cody started in on the diesel motor for the Motor home, and I started getting ready for Thanksgiving. Cody's Mom and Dad flew up for the holiday and although I only had them for a few days we had a great time!
Now we are settling in for the winter and working on getting things done for next year's race season.
With all the changes we have had this year, I am still happy to say that they year was good. It is ending much better than it started.
I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a Blessed New Year.

Lost

I have no idea what to do or what is going to happen. I seem so lost and confused. Things seem to be falling apart around me and I have no control over anything. My head hurts, my heart hurts and I am so afraid. I have never been scared like this. I don't know what is going to happen and I am not doing well not having control. Or at least an illusion of control.

I have so much anger, and so much sadness. I am second guessing my decision to do what I thought was right at the time. But now it seems like that decision will destroy everything else.

Please God help me. I am so afraid of this test. Please please don't let him hate me anymore. I can handle almost anything but I know I couldn't handle his hate. It would destroy me beyond repair.

Heavy Heart

I have a heavy heart today. My Aunt Elaine is in her final hours on this world. It brings back so many memories of my Mom's passing. However I am jealous because I know that the family will survive as a unit. I so miss my big family. I have done everything I can to try and hold it together, but you can only beat against a brick wall for so long before you don't have any strength left.

My Aunt has such a beautiful soul. She was always so caring and giving and just so pure of heart. She was one of the nicest people I have ever had the fortune of knowing. My heart is breaking for her family. I hope that they find peace in knowing that she is going to be reunited with her loving husband who passed last year, as well as her wonderful parents and 3 of her siblings. I know that her family will be waiting with open arms across the veil of this world in Heaven.

God, please be with her and her family in this very difficult time. Please bring them peace and comfort knowing that her suffering is at an end. Take care of their heavy hearts and sorrow. Thank you Lord. Amen

The routine of things

I am slowly getting into a routine of things, However I have found that I have lost my mind. I used to be able to do a thousand things at once and know exactly what was going on, but now I have to write down the most ordinary of things or I completely forget to do them.

Now that race season is over, I am just doing cleaning and getting ready for my In-Law's visit for Thanksgiving.

I also find that the smallest things are irritating me. My husband is driving me crazy. I love him, and I know that things are also frustrating for him but he promised me that he would try to not ride my ass about things and all I have heard from him this week is bitch bitch bitch. Yes my Dad has attitude, and things are stressful but I don't need you (him) treating me like a mindless child. I am not the one who gets to take a 3 hour nap. I am busy from the moment you leave the house until the minute we go to bed. I am always taking care of someone else's needs. Weather it is Dad, Sis or you,,,, who the fuck is taking care of ME!!!???!!!! That is right, no one! Don't get pissy with me because I forgot to make juice, or didn't do some non-immediate need thing.

I may be irritated because I know that I don't have any breaks coming up. Nothing to look forward to, to get me out of the rut of life.

Did we make the right decision. Should I have put Dad in a assisted living center and Traci in a group home and stayed working? Things would have been tight and that would have presented it own challenges I am sure, but right now those challenges seem like something that would have been easier to deal with. I am sure that it wouldn't be, but they say the grass is always greener on the other side.

Well I am off to clean the kitchen and see what else I can get done!

Another new chapter

Dad was declared legally blind today. He has macular degeneration in both eyes, and has there isn't a prescription available that will help. So now that opens a whole new chapter and issue I get to deal with.

The good news is that it changed his status with the VA, and he will no longer have co-pay's, but the bad news is, he can't see anything. There is a "blind camp" that he can go to free of charge with the VA, to learn how to use visual aids and other equipment so he can use his computer and things. They gave him some MaxxTV glasses, and he looks like Poindexter, but at least he can see the TV.

I am going to Contact the state and see if him being blind will change his status as far as getting in home care. It would be very nice to be able to have them pay for respite care instead of paying for it out of pocket.


On another note, we are going to visit family next month. We are going to take almost a week and go to IF to see Dad's sister(and I get to see my wonderful in law's and some really great friends) and then we are going to Elko to see Dad's brother and most of his kids! I am excited, it has been almost a year since I have seen family!!!! Last October and November for most, although I did see my in law's in May. But I have great in law's and only a few times a year kills me.

I feel like MY LIFE is over.

I am so upset and frusterated right now, I feel like my life is over. I know that I am just tired from the lack of sleep, and irritated that the VA took so long to do a surgery on Dad while he just got weaker and weaker! He hadn't gained back enough weight from the fall in Feb, and two weeks of not eating for two weeks while he was in the hospital and them not getting him up and walking so he is just soooooo weak.

I am pissed that Dad doesn't qualify for State medical so I don't get any income to stay home with him, but I am fine with that, but it also doesn't help me find respite care. I really want to go to the races with Cody next weekend for MY birthday, but nope, I get to stay home and not do anything but take care of Dad. Then the week of my birthday I get to spend at the VA because Dad has 3 appts that week, the 17th the 18th (my birthday) and the 19th!!!!

I know it is childish to be whinning about the fact that I don't get to do anything for my birthday but at this point I don't even think that I will get to go out to dinner. Our Anniversary was runied as well, and I am just mad that I have to do this alone. I know that I have help from Cody and from some great friends but right now I feel lost in a sea of despair and hopelessness. And I know that I have to do this again!!! Dad still has to have his hernia repaired! So it will be another surgery and another turn with PT and OT, and people telling me how to make MY HOUSE more sutible for Dad. It just pisses me off that people don't seem to care that it is MY House and I have to live here too, and that I don't plan on turning my house into a retierment house! I need to be able to live here too!

I feel so alone in this struggle, and when I talk to Cody he lets me know how frusterated and irritated he is as well and I have no one that I can really vent to. If I vent to much to Cody we are going to end up in a fight because he is just as stressed out as I am, and knowing that I am stuck here doesn't help. I am so mad that I have to give up what I want to do! And Dad is so much more work right now than he was when he came home in April that I am just devistated! And maybe I am just irritated, but it seems like Dad isn't trying as hard to get back to where he was!

Back to Square One

Well actually we are behind square one. Dad is home from the hospital, and needs more help than he did when he came home from the fall. He is having issues with bladder and bowel control, as well as he will be back on oxygen while active.
I am so frustrated, any strides we made in the last 3 months are gone, and I am once again tied to home. I am not sure I can even leave for a few minutes to run to the store or take a bike ride. Dad is in no condition to travel with us, so even if my dragster was up and running, I would be done for the year. I tried to find a sitter for the next race, and both of the ones I can rely on have other things going on, which I totally understand, but since the state won't cover in home care, I can't get respite care in here with out it being out of pocket at $20+ an hour, and it would cost more to have someone come in for Dad than it would for us to race.
I am praying and hoping that it doesn't take Dad to long to bounce back from this and he can gain back his limited independence that he had before he went in, so I can also have some independence again! I love my father and will do what is necessary to care for him but this feels like a huge backslide! I really hope that he gets on his feet before we go to see family in late September. That is 7 weeks away from today. I am sure that he will make great strides between now and then, we have a stubborn streak!