Starting over yet again!

Well 2011 was a pretty crappy year overall. It did have it's good momements, and things were pretty quiet until late in the year.

I wanted to Celebrate when Dad hit his one year mark from his fall. Things were going well. We managed to make it to a few races, and we even went camping over the Fourth of July with some really good friends. Then after we got home from the Team Finals in September I offered to take my girlfriends girls for the weekend so she could spend some quality time with her significant other. Well low and behold, Dad fell and broke his hip. So after surgery to repair the hip, his heart starts freaking out. Another surgery to put in a pacemaker/defibulator. Now off to rehab, again. He finally got home the a few weeks before Thanksgiving. He was extremely week and had a very hard time managing the stairs. So instead of going home to Idaho for Christmas, we re-arranged the house and moved Dad upstairs permantly.

Yeah, now he has more energy, and he is getting up and going to the bathroom on his own, and things are slowly but surely getting back to our normal(which is crazy for anyone else). On his last visit with Physical Therapy, he had trouble breathing. 911 to the rescue, and we found out he tore a whole in his lung from COUGHING! He spent another week in the hospital and came home 2 days ago.

So now we are back to Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy and Nursing visits, and Dad needing help with getting up and into the bathroom and all that fun stuff again.


And to top it all off, we have a new puppy so things are super crazy all the time here out our house.

I have to say a great big THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU, to our wonderful friends who help me deal with this crazy ass life of mine, and for doing your best to help keep me sane. I know it is a lot of work. I am so blessed to have you all in my life, and you know who you are! :)

I really hope that Dad's recovery is short and easy. We all need a break. We have to get moving on getting everything race ready. Race season is fast approaching and we have lots to do.

15 Years! Really

I married my best friend 15 years ago today!
He is the love of my life, my rock, my support and my partner in all things. I couldn't imagine my life without him. We have had our ups and downs, our ins and outs but we have always weathered the storm and come through the other side better than when we went in.

A lot has changed in the 15 years we have been married. So many friends have come and gone. So many things are different. Most people who get married as young as we did don't last, and I think that is because they don't grow together. We have always been connected and committed to each other first. Everything else is secondary. We are lucky to both have a love of cars and racing. Even before I had my own car, I was at the track taking picture's and supporting my Man in his racing. And now that I do have my own car, he helps and supports me as well. We are in it together. I see so many people at the track who's partner is not there and I always wonder how they can make it with out sharing the same passion. Kids grow up and move away, families change, and you will be left with just your partner at some point, and what will you do if you don't share your passion?
I am so blessed. I thank God every day for giving me Cody! He was even my Birthday Present as we met on my 19th birthday. There is a reason for everything. Cody is my sanity in my Crazy Life. He is what keeps me grounded and in touch with reality.
Here is to the next 15 years!
May they be as happy and as wonderful as the last 15! Thank you baby, for dealing with me and my Crazy Life.

Inspiration?

About a month ago I commented on my friends facebook page some words of encouragement because of the hard time she was going through. She replied to me that I was an Inspiration to her. And I have been thinking about it ever since.

I don't think that what I do is inspirational. I do what I have to. I deal with the hand that I have been dealt. I try to be positive about it because life is way to short to be bitchy and cranky about the things you can't change. Maybe that is what is Inspirational.

I am inspired by many of my friends who have taken on many challenges and faced them head on. I have many friends that are single Mom's that sacrifice so much for their kids. I have a girlfriend that overcame a horrible childhood to become a wonderful wife and mother. I know people who have overcome so many hardships and still smile about the little things in life.

Life is hard. I don't think it is supposed to be easy. I think that we are supposed to be faced with hard choices, and it is how we face those choices that make us who we are. Yes, it probably would have been easier to make the choice to put Dad in an assisted living center, and to put Sis in a group home, so I could be free of the burden of taking care of them. But what kind of person would I have become? I always knew that I would end up looking after my sister. I honestly think she is the reason I was born. I believe that God knew that my Sister would need someone to look after her. I am please to have made that choice! I didn't expect it to be such a hard choice, but I know I made the right one.

Then when it came time to help my Dad, it was a harder choice. Just because I knew that I would have to give up my job, and everything that involved. I loved my job and I was damn good at it. I loved the people I worked with, and I was happy. But family comes first. Or at least it should.

How many people really make that choice though? How many people put family first? Most parents do put their children first, but how many children put their parents first? How many of our elderly that are in nursing homes and assisted living center's being cared for my stranger's have children that could be taking care of them? Maybe that is why I am inspirational?

I never planned on being an Ispiration to anyone. I just try to do the best I can with the hand that I have been dealt. I don't see the benefit of complaining about a situation that I have limited control over. Life is short. Life is hard, but you only make it harder, and more miserable if you choose to see the negative instead of embracing the positive. Life is a series of choices and it is what you make it. Happiness is a choice. It is a reaction to the world around you. Find joy in the simple things. The soft fur of a pet, the sound of the wind. The smell of the rain, The warmth of the sun. Take Pleasure in the smile of a child. The smell of spring flowers. The smell of the damp leaves in fall. The touch of a snowflake on your face. The coo of a newborn baby. The life all around you. Enjoy it, embrace it. Take your joy and your happiness anyway you can get it. Smile, life is a adventure that is supposed to wear you out. You only get one shot at this joy ride. Make it the best ride you can!

One year Later

Well it has been a year. Well tomorrow it will be a year since Dad fell. So many things have changed.
Dad is doing well, and I am happy to celebrate the Year mark. One of the classes I had to attend last year for my continuing education, gave a statistic that 1 in 3 senior's that has a fall resulting in Hospitalization pass away with in a year from the fall.
I miss my job, and my friends from work. I still talk to and see them once in a while, but it isn't like I am there everyday. I am trying to get into a routine of things, and most of the time it works. However, I have learned that since I no longer have to do 5 million things at once, I can't remember anything. I have to write EVERYTHING down, or else I will forget.
I never wanted to be a housewife. It was never in my DNA to be happy at home. I have yet to find a hobby, other than reading, and I am not sure what I want to do. I don't have the crafty talent that my Mom did, and I don't have talents for drawing or painting. I have tried my hand at writing but I haven't been inspired by a story yet.
Most day's are spent in a boring routine. However I am happy about that. I don't miss the stress and worry of Dad being in the hospital, and rehab center's.
I look forward to race season, and all that comes with it, and I do like the fact that Cody and I have more time on the weekends to do fun stuff, since I am doing the chore stuff during the week. I also like the fact that we can race a little bit more since we both don't have to worry about time off, and with Cody's job he can work any hours to get his 40 hours a week.
I just wish I could do more to get us ready for the race season. We have so much to do still, and we are rapidly running out of time.
This is one year that has been a rollercoaster of up's and down's and in's and out's. However it is a year that I am grateful of wonderful friends who have done so much for us. I owe a big thanks to so many who have helped out, Dad sitting, listening to me vent, being there when I was at my wits end, and keeping me propped up during the hardest times.

Summer where are you????

I am so irritated!!!!! Winter has been hard for me. No escapes to look forward too,,, nothing to break up the same ol' same ol'. I am not complaining that everyone is healthy. I am very grateful that there is no major upheaval going on. However every little thing is irritating the shit out of me. Sis is being a big old pain in the ass. She is pushing buttons and not listening, which is normal, but it is pissing me off more than usual.
Dad is whining about little things and it is making me want to snap at him. I don't think he is doing it intentionally. At least I hope not. And it is little stupid things. Like every time I dish up his dinner,,, he has to go to the bathroom at that exact moment. I can't eat my dinner until he is settled and has taken one of his med's because it has to be refrigerated. So I have to wait until he is done taking that med to put in away. And it seems like it is every night. And for some freaking reason this week his oxygen cord has been an issue. It hasn't been an issue for months,, but all the sudden this week he is getting it caught in the wheel's of the walker, or it is getting tangled up and knotted, and when he hollers for help his voice totally grates on my nerves. I understand he can't do it on his own, but does he have to sound like a whinny two year old????? He has also been whining about his feet. He has a big callous on each foot, but he is acting like it is a life and death issue. We set up an appointment with the foot doctor, but he is making it into a huge issue.
I know that I have cabin fever, and I am looking forward to race season. But we have soooooooo much work to do before we are ready and we are very quickly running out of time. I also wish that the weather was just a little bit better so I could spend more time outside. I need to do a lot of work in the yard, and I am chomping at the bit to have it done. Well enough venting. Hopefully it will prevent an all out meltdown.

Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year

Well to say it has been an eventful year would be the understatement of the decade for me.

January started out somewhat calm. I was worried and praying for my Aunt who was battling pneumonia. But Cody was on the mend finally and we were looking forward to our year of racing. We were trying to figure out what projects could get done in the small amount of time we had left before racing season started. We had already decided to wait to put the diesel motor in the motor home as that is a HUGE project and Cody wasn't quiet up to it with his hand yet.

We were enjoying the relative peace. Then Wiskey got sick again and we had her back into the Vet's for another surgery. She had eaten more stuffing and had blocked up her stomach again. (She had done the same thing while we were at our last race of 2009) She came through the surgery fine. But she has become once expensive doggie. Cody suggested we call her "supercharger" because with all the vet bills he could have bought a supercharger for his Camaro!

Then in February I had Traci's annual meeting with her caseworker. I was able to increase my care hours for her to the point we could afford for me to stay home. Cody and I talked and talked and talked about it and we had decided that I would continue working until the end of the year and we would take the time and the extra to pay off bills and put some money into savings for emergencies. It was such a great plan, but it fell apart the very next day. That is when Dad fell down the stairs.
I remember so clearly hearing the crash. I came flying down the stairs to see Dad on his side at the bottom of the stairs. He was trying to stand up. I called 911 and told him that he was going to stay on the floor until the Paramedics got here and told me he was fine. Well he wasn't. He broke 8 ribs, punctured his lung and cracked his pelvis. He spent the next 5 weeks in ICU sedated and hooked up to all sorts of machines.
Cody took over cooking and caring for Traci, as I was working and spending my time at the hospital. I don't really remember much of March. I was meeting with so many Doctors and nurses and caseworkers. It was a very scary time.
I do remember coming home from the hospital one night to bloody kitty prints on my floor. While Cody was cooking dinner, Tiger had hurt himself. So after we couldn't get the bleeding to stop it was off to the ER Vet with the cat.
After months of hospitals and rehab centers and being pulled in 500 different directions Dad came home. I had requested FMLA from work hoping and praying that I could get Dad back on his feet enough so that I could go back to work. That was not to be. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. I mean I loved my job. It was fun and the people I worked with were awesome, and I couldn't even imagine working somewhere else. Not many people can say they loved their job like that. Even on the worst day's I still looked forward to getting up and going into work the next day.
So now I am home and don't really know what to do with myself. Dad has physical therapy, and occupational therapy and doctor appointment and doctor appointment.
We start to settle into a routine and just as we are getting it all worked out, Dad goes back into the hospital with a intestinal blockage. The Dr's are starting to irritate me with their wait and see approach but they finally do surgery to remove some scar tissue. Now we are back to PT and OT and follow up and trying to get Dad back to a healthy weight.
Once we get back to a good spot we take a week long road trip to visit Dad's siblings. We head to Idaho and see Aunt Rosemary and we also saw Dennis (my oldest brother) and my Sis in Love, as well as my Inlaws. Then we head to Elko to see Uncle Jim, (and Kids) Aunt Sharon was in the hospital so we were not able to visit with her. We also missed seeing a couple of cousin's but we were able to see the majority of the family.
We got home and Dad came down with a fever the next day. I took him into the Dr and he had pneumonia. So we battled that for almost a month total, and now we are back to being mostly healthy.

Cody and I were able to race this year. Cody did great going to the finals in 50% of the races he attended!
I of course blew up my engine 1/2 way through the year. I was doing well before that and had even made it to the Semi-Finals!
Cody lost in the final round at the team race in Canada.

I was so proud of him. He had such a great year. He finished 3rd in the points at Madras and he missed 6 events!
We had a blast as usual at the Halloween Classic! I love that race! Then we got home and Cody started in on the diesel motor for the Motor home, and I started getting ready for Thanksgiving. Cody's Mom and Dad flew up for the holiday and although I only had them for a few days we had a great time!
Now we are settling in for the winter and working on getting things done for next year's race season.
With all the changes we have had this year, I am still happy to say that they year was good. It is ending much better than it started.
I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a Blessed New Year.

Lost

I have no idea what to do or what is going to happen. I seem so lost and confused. Things seem to be falling apart around me and I have no control over anything. My head hurts, my heart hurts and I am so afraid. I have never been scared like this. I don't know what is going to happen and I am not doing well not having control. Or at least an illusion of control.

I have so much anger, and so much sadness. I am second guessing my decision to do what I thought was right at the time. But now it seems like that decision will destroy everything else.

Please God help me. I am so afraid of this test. Please please don't let him hate me anymore. I can handle almost anything but I know I couldn't handle his hate. It would destroy me beyond repair.