Coming home

Dad will be coming home on Wednesday. I am grateful for the small break I have had, but he has to come home once insurance stops covering his care. We did apply for some extra insurance, but they want over $1000 this month if he stays in the rehab facility as a co-pay, and then over $2000 next month. It is so frustrating. He has so much more work to do, and I am not sure how much he will be able to do here.
Plus it will definitely change what I am able to do. I am going to be on lock down for a while. I know that I signed up for this, and I know that I honestly don't have much time left. Dad's health is rapidly declining now, since his fall in Sept when he broke his hip, and we have had just one thing after another since then. I don't think that Dad will bounce back to being able to be independent at any level, and I think that will more than crush his spirit. He doesn't want to be a burden, and I don't feel that he is, but he will feel that way. Especially when I am staying home from races this year (for the most part) and only Cody will be going. I am very upset about that. I will so miss my racing family. And Cody has his 20 year class reunion this summer, and I may not be able to go at all. We had thought about going and then I would fly home from Boise as he will be staying in Boise for a race, but I am not sure we will be able to make that work. I want to be with Cody for that. It isn't something that happens every year, like a lot of the races I am going to miss this year. I know that I will be able to go to them again, as we will have plenty of time for that when this adventure is complete. I am sure we will work it all out. We always do, I am a fixer and a problem solver and we make things work.

UUUGGG, Really?

I never thought it would be this hard. I am not sure I can do this anymore. Dad needs constant help! He tried going to the bathroom on his own today, and yep you guessed it, He fell again. No injury, but now it will be at least another week before he even thinks to attempt it.

Sis is pushing buttons. She totally ignored hubby on Wednesday when I was out walking, and he is ready to leave. I don't blame him, I am ready to follow too. We have 7 weeks until our first big race and right now I don't think I am going to be able to go. I can't afford to have someone here 24/7, and Dad can't be left alone for more than a couple of hours.

I am so overwhelmed. Hubby is doing the best he can to help, and I have wonderful friends that are willing to stay with Dad for a while, but I am going nucking futs! Hopefully things settle down soon, but I am not very optimistic at this time.

I don't know if I am strong enough!

Today was hell. I am so fucking tired. My wonderful husband let me sleep in today. But after that everything went to hell. Dad was whiny and demanding, and Sis was pushing her buttons as usual but the breaking point for me came when Dad hollered to go to the bathroom (in the middle of his lunch) and hubby and I were talking. Well I left in the middle of our conversation, and got Dad into the bathroom just to find a plugged toilet. So while I am trying to get the toilet working, Dad has an accident.

I lost it. I know it was a little thing to have a meltdown over, but it was the straw that broke this camels back. I don't know if I should look for a job and then get Dad and Sis into assisted living homes, so I can have my life back, or just suck it up and chalk it up to a bad day and move on. I will probably just chalk it up to a bad day, but I am really questioning why God thinks I am this strong.

I haven't had a break from Dad and or Sis since August of last year. I was hoping to get a weekend this month but it didn't happen. February is not looking good either. I just need a few hours to let go and unwind a bit. But there is always something or someone who comes first for me lately. I know I chose this life but I am forgetting who I AM. Right now I feel like I am only her to serve the needs of everyone else. What about me, what about my marriage. I feel so bad for my husband, he not only is working to support all of us, he has to deal with a wife that is a basket case on most days because I am overwhelmed. I haven't had a shower in a week because I can't find the time to do it. And the last time I showered, I wasn't even dried off from the shower and Dad needed to go to the bathroom again. I had made sure and taken him just before I got in the shower.

I am so tired. And so scared that I am not strong enough to handle this anymore. I never thought that I would be doing this alone. I have great friends who do what they can, and I have wonderful support from extended family, but no one is close enough to really help out on a regular basis. Please God grant me the strength to continue on this path. I need your help to make it through this very difficult time, yet again.

Starting over yet again!

Well 2011 was a pretty crappy year overall. It did have it's good momements, and things were pretty quiet until late in the year.

I wanted to Celebrate when Dad hit his one year mark from his fall. Things were going well. We managed to make it to a few races, and we even went camping over the Fourth of July with some really good friends. Then after we got home from the Team Finals in September I offered to take my girlfriends girls for the weekend so she could spend some quality time with her significant other. Well low and behold, Dad fell and broke his hip. So after surgery to repair the hip, his heart starts freaking out. Another surgery to put in a pacemaker/defibulator. Now off to rehab, again. He finally got home the a few weeks before Thanksgiving. He was extremely week and had a very hard time managing the stairs. So instead of going home to Idaho for Christmas, we re-arranged the house and moved Dad upstairs permantly.

Yeah, now he has more energy, and he is getting up and going to the bathroom on his own, and things are slowly but surely getting back to our normal(which is crazy for anyone else). On his last visit with Physical Therapy, he had trouble breathing. 911 to the rescue, and we found out he tore a whole in his lung from COUGHING! He spent another week in the hospital and came home 2 days ago.

So now we are back to Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy and Nursing visits, and Dad needing help with getting up and into the bathroom and all that fun stuff again.


And to top it all off, we have a new puppy so things are super crazy all the time here out our house.

I have to say a great big THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU, to our wonderful friends who help me deal with this crazy ass life of mine, and for doing your best to help keep me sane. I know it is a lot of work. I am so blessed to have you all in my life, and you know who you are! :)

I really hope that Dad's recovery is short and easy. We all need a break. We have to get moving on getting everything race ready. Race season is fast approaching and we have lots to do.

15 Years! Really

I married my best friend 15 years ago today!
He is the love of my life, my rock, my support and my partner in all things. I couldn't imagine my life without him. We have had our ups and downs, our ins and outs but we have always weathered the storm and come through the other side better than when we went in.

A lot has changed in the 15 years we have been married. So many friends have come and gone. So many things are different. Most people who get married as young as we did don't last, and I think that is because they don't grow together. We have always been connected and committed to each other first. Everything else is secondary. We are lucky to both have a love of cars and racing. Even before I had my own car, I was at the track taking picture's and supporting my Man in his racing. And now that I do have my own car, he helps and supports me as well. We are in it together. I see so many people at the track who's partner is not there and I always wonder how they can make it with out sharing the same passion. Kids grow up and move away, families change, and you will be left with just your partner at some point, and what will you do if you don't share your passion?
I am so blessed. I thank God every day for giving me Cody! He was even my Birthday Present as we met on my 19th birthday. There is a reason for everything. Cody is my sanity in my Crazy Life. He is what keeps me grounded and in touch with reality.
Here is to the next 15 years!
May they be as happy and as wonderful as the last 15! Thank you baby, for dealing with me and my Crazy Life.

Inspiration?

About a month ago I commented on my friends facebook page some words of encouragement because of the hard time she was going through. She replied to me that I was an Inspiration to her. And I have been thinking about it ever since.

I don't think that what I do is inspirational. I do what I have to. I deal with the hand that I have been dealt. I try to be positive about it because life is way to short to be bitchy and cranky about the things you can't change. Maybe that is what is Inspirational.

I am inspired by many of my friends who have taken on many challenges and faced them head on. I have many friends that are single Mom's that sacrifice so much for their kids. I have a girlfriend that overcame a horrible childhood to become a wonderful wife and mother. I know people who have overcome so many hardships and still smile about the little things in life.

Life is hard. I don't think it is supposed to be easy. I think that we are supposed to be faced with hard choices, and it is how we face those choices that make us who we are. Yes, it probably would have been easier to make the choice to put Dad in an assisted living center, and to put Sis in a group home, so I could be free of the burden of taking care of them. But what kind of person would I have become? I always knew that I would end up looking after my sister. I honestly think she is the reason I was born. I believe that God knew that my Sister would need someone to look after her. I am please to have made that choice! I didn't expect it to be such a hard choice, but I know I made the right one.

Then when it came time to help my Dad, it was a harder choice. Just because I knew that I would have to give up my job, and everything that involved. I loved my job and I was damn good at it. I loved the people I worked with, and I was happy. But family comes first. Or at least it should.

How many people really make that choice though? How many people put family first? Most parents do put their children first, but how many children put their parents first? How many of our elderly that are in nursing homes and assisted living center's being cared for my stranger's have children that could be taking care of them? Maybe that is why I am inspirational?

I never planned on being an Ispiration to anyone. I just try to do the best I can with the hand that I have been dealt. I don't see the benefit of complaining about a situation that I have limited control over. Life is short. Life is hard, but you only make it harder, and more miserable if you choose to see the negative instead of embracing the positive. Life is a series of choices and it is what you make it. Happiness is a choice. It is a reaction to the world around you. Find joy in the simple things. The soft fur of a pet, the sound of the wind. The smell of the rain, The warmth of the sun. Take Pleasure in the smile of a child. The smell of spring flowers. The smell of the damp leaves in fall. The touch of a snowflake on your face. The coo of a newborn baby. The life all around you. Enjoy it, embrace it. Take your joy and your happiness anyway you can get it. Smile, life is a adventure that is supposed to wear you out. You only get one shot at this joy ride. Make it the best ride you can!

One year Later

Well it has been a year. Well tomorrow it will be a year since Dad fell. So many things have changed.
Dad is doing well, and I am happy to celebrate the Year mark. One of the classes I had to attend last year for my continuing education, gave a statistic that 1 in 3 senior's that has a fall resulting in Hospitalization pass away with in a year from the fall.
I miss my job, and my friends from work. I still talk to and see them once in a while, but it isn't like I am there everyday. I am trying to get into a routine of things, and most of the time it works. However, I have learned that since I no longer have to do 5 million things at once, I can't remember anything. I have to write EVERYTHING down, or else I will forget.
I never wanted to be a housewife. It was never in my DNA to be happy at home. I have yet to find a hobby, other than reading, and I am not sure what I want to do. I don't have the crafty talent that my Mom did, and I don't have talents for drawing or painting. I have tried my hand at writing but I haven't been inspired by a story yet.
Most day's are spent in a boring routine. However I am happy about that. I don't miss the stress and worry of Dad being in the hospital, and rehab center's.
I look forward to race season, and all that comes with it, and I do like the fact that Cody and I have more time on the weekends to do fun stuff, since I am doing the chore stuff during the week. I also like the fact that we can race a little bit more since we both don't have to worry about time off, and with Cody's job he can work any hours to get his 40 hours a week.
I just wish I could do more to get us ready for the race season. We have so much to do still, and we are rapidly running out of time.
This is one year that has been a rollercoaster of up's and down's and in's and out's. However it is a year that I am grateful of wonderful friends who have done so much for us. I owe a big thanks to so many who have helped out, Dad sitting, listening to me vent, being there when I was at my wits end, and keeping me propped up during the hardest times.