Saturday, January 21, 2012

I don't know if I am strong enough!

Today was hell. I am so fucking tired. My wonderful husband let me sleep in today. But after that everything went to hell. Dad was whiny and demanding, and Sis was pushing her buttons as usual but the breaking point for me came when Dad hollered to go to the bathroom (in the middle of his lunch) and hubby and I were talking. Well I left in the middle of our conversation, and got Dad into the bathroom just to find a plugged toilet. So while I am trying to get the toilet working, Dad has an accident.

I lost it. I know it was a little thing to have a meltdown over, but it was the straw that broke this camels back. I don't know if I should look for a job and then get Dad and Sis into assisted living homes, so I can have my life back, or just suck it up and chalk it up to a bad day and move on. I will probably just chalk it up to a bad day, but I am really questioning why God thinks I am this strong.

I haven't had a break from Dad and or Sis since August of last year. I was hoping to get a weekend this month but it didn't happen. February is not looking good either. I just need a few hours to let go and unwind a bit. But there is always something or someone who comes first for me lately. I know I chose this life but I am forgetting who I AM. Right now I feel like I am only her to serve the needs of everyone else. What about me, what about my marriage. I feel so bad for my husband, he not only is working to support all of us, he has to deal with a wife that is a basket case on most days because I am overwhelmed. I haven't had a shower in a week because I can't find the time to do it. And the last time I showered, I wasn't even dried off from the shower and Dad needed to go to the bathroom again. I had made sure and taken him just before I got in the shower.

I am so tired. And so scared that I am not strong enough to handle this anymore. I never thought that I would be doing this alone. I have great friends who do what they can, and I have wonderful support from extended family, but no one is close enough to really help out on a regular basis. Please God grant me the strength to continue on this path. I need your help to make it through this very difficult time, yet again.

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