Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year

Well to say it has been an eventful year would be the understatement of the decade for me.

January started out somewhat calm. I was worried and praying for my Aunt who was battling pneumonia. But Cody was on the mend finally and we were looking forward to our year of racing. We were trying to figure out what projects could get done in the small amount of time we had left before racing season started. We had already decided to wait to put the diesel motor in the motor home as that is a HUGE project and Cody wasn't quiet up to it with his hand yet.

We were enjoying the relative peace. Then Wiskey got sick again and we had her back into the Vet's for another surgery. She had eaten more stuffing and had blocked up her stomach again. (She had done the same thing while we were at our last race of 2009) She came through the surgery fine. But she has become once expensive doggie. Cody suggested we call her "supercharger" because with all the vet bills he could have bought a supercharger for his Camaro!

Then in February I had Traci's annual meeting with her caseworker. I was able to increase my care hours for her to the point we could afford for me to stay home. Cody and I talked and talked and talked about it and we had decided that I would continue working until the end of the year and we would take the time and the extra to pay off bills and put some money into savings for emergencies. It was such a great plan, but it fell apart the very next day. That is when Dad fell down the stairs.
I remember so clearly hearing the crash. I came flying down the stairs to see Dad on his side at the bottom of the stairs. He was trying to stand up. I called 911 and told him that he was going to stay on the floor until the Paramedics got here and told me he was fine. Well he wasn't. He broke 8 ribs, punctured his lung and cracked his pelvis. He spent the next 5 weeks in ICU sedated and hooked up to all sorts of machines.
Cody took over cooking and caring for Traci, as I was working and spending my time at the hospital. I don't really remember much of March. I was meeting with so many Doctors and nurses and caseworkers. It was a very scary time.
I do remember coming home from the hospital one night to bloody kitty prints on my floor. While Cody was cooking dinner, Tiger had hurt himself. So after we couldn't get the bleeding to stop it was off to the ER Vet with the cat.
After months of hospitals and rehab centers and being pulled in 500 different directions Dad came home. I had requested FMLA from work hoping and praying that I could get Dad back on his feet enough so that I could go back to work. That was not to be. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. I mean I loved my job. It was fun and the people I worked with were awesome, and I couldn't even imagine working somewhere else. Not many people can say they loved their job like that. Even on the worst day's I still looked forward to getting up and going into work the next day.
So now I am home and don't really know what to do with myself. Dad has physical therapy, and occupational therapy and doctor appointment and doctor appointment.
We start to settle into a routine and just as we are getting it all worked out, Dad goes back into the hospital with a intestinal blockage. The Dr's are starting to irritate me with their wait and see approach but they finally do surgery to remove some scar tissue. Now we are back to PT and OT and follow up and trying to get Dad back to a healthy weight.
Once we get back to a good spot we take a week long road trip to visit Dad's siblings. We head to Idaho and see Aunt Rosemary and we also saw Dennis (my oldest brother) and my Sis in Love, as well as my Inlaws. Then we head to Elko to see Uncle Jim, (and Kids) Aunt Sharon was in the hospital so we were not able to visit with her. We also missed seeing a couple of cousin's but we were able to see the majority of the family.
We got home and Dad came down with a fever the next day. I took him into the Dr and he had pneumonia. So we battled that for almost a month total, and now we are back to being mostly healthy.

Cody and I were able to race this year. Cody did great going to the finals in 50% of the races he attended!
I of course blew up my engine 1/2 way through the year. I was doing well before that and had even made it to the Semi-Finals!
Cody lost in the final round at the team race in Canada.

I was so proud of him. He had such a great year. He finished 3rd in the points at Madras and he missed 6 events!
We had a blast as usual at the Halloween Classic! I love that race! Then we got home and Cody started in on the diesel motor for the Motor home, and I started getting ready for Thanksgiving. Cody's Mom and Dad flew up for the holiday and although I only had them for a few days we had a great time!
Now we are settling in for the winter and working on getting things done for next year's race season.
With all the changes we have had this year, I am still happy to say that they year was good. It is ending much better than it started.
I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a Blessed New Year.

Lost

I have no idea what to do or what is going to happen. I seem so lost and confused. Things seem to be falling apart around me and I have no control over anything. My head hurts, my heart hurts and I am so afraid. I have never been scared like this. I don't know what is going to happen and I am not doing well not having control. Or at least an illusion of control.

I have so much anger, and so much sadness. I am second guessing my decision to do what I thought was right at the time. But now it seems like that decision will destroy everything else.

Please God help me. I am so afraid of this test. Please please don't let him hate me anymore. I can handle almost anything but I know I couldn't handle his hate. It would destroy me beyond repair.

Heavy Heart

I have a heavy heart today. My Aunt Elaine is in her final hours on this world. It brings back so many memories of my Mom's passing. However I am jealous because I know that the family will survive as a unit. I so miss my big family. I have done everything I can to try and hold it together, but you can only beat against a brick wall for so long before you don't have any strength left.

My Aunt has such a beautiful soul. She was always so caring and giving and just so pure of heart. She was one of the nicest people I have ever had the fortune of knowing. My heart is breaking for her family. I hope that they find peace in knowing that she is going to be reunited with her loving husband who passed last year, as well as her wonderful parents and 3 of her siblings. I know that her family will be waiting with open arms across the veil of this world in Heaven.

God, please be with her and her family in this very difficult time. Please bring them peace and comfort knowing that her suffering is at an end. Take care of their heavy hearts and sorrow. Thank you Lord. Amen

The routine of things

I am slowly getting into a routine of things, However I have found that I have lost my mind. I used to be able to do a thousand things at once and know exactly what was going on, but now I have to write down the most ordinary of things or I completely forget to do them.

Now that race season is over, I am just doing cleaning and getting ready for my In-Law's visit for Thanksgiving.

I also find that the smallest things are irritating me. My husband is driving me crazy. I love him, and I know that things are also frustrating for him but he promised me that he would try to not ride my ass about things and all I have heard from him this week is bitch bitch bitch. Yes my Dad has attitude, and things are stressful but I don't need you (him) treating me like a mindless child. I am not the one who gets to take a 3 hour nap. I am busy from the moment you leave the house until the minute we go to bed. I am always taking care of someone else's needs. Weather it is Dad, Sis or you,,,, who the fuck is taking care of ME!!!???!!!! That is right, no one! Don't get pissy with me because I forgot to make juice, or didn't do some non-immediate need thing.

I may be irritated because I know that I don't have any breaks coming up. Nothing to look forward to, to get me out of the rut of life.

Did we make the right decision. Should I have put Dad in a assisted living center and Traci in a group home and stayed working? Things would have been tight and that would have presented it own challenges I am sure, but right now those challenges seem like something that would have been easier to deal with. I am sure that it wouldn't be, but they say the grass is always greener on the other side.

Well I am off to clean the kitchen and see what else I can get done!

Another new chapter

Dad was declared legally blind today. He has macular degeneration in both eyes, and has there isn't a prescription available that will help. So now that opens a whole new chapter and issue I get to deal with.

The good news is that it changed his status with the VA, and he will no longer have co-pay's, but the bad news is, he can't see anything. There is a "blind camp" that he can go to free of charge with the VA, to learn how to use visual aids and other equipment so he can use his computer and things. They gave him some MaxxTV glasses, and he looks like Poindexter, but at least he can see the TV.

I am going to Contact the state and see if him being blind will change his status as far as getting in home care. It would be very nice to be able to have them pay for respite care instead of paying for it out of pocket.


On another note, we are going to visit family next month. We are going to take almost a week and go to IF to see Dad's sister(and I get to see my wonderful in law's and some really great friends) and then we are going to Elko to see Dad's brother and most of his kids! I am excited, it has been almost a year since I have seen family!!!! Last October and November for most, although I did see my in law's in May. But I have great in law's and only a few times a year kills me.

I feel like MY LIFE is over.

I am so upset and frusterated right now, I feel like my life is over. I know that I am just tired from the lack of sleep, and irritated that the VA took so long to do a surgery on Dad while he just got weaker and weaker! He hadn't gained back enough weight from the fall in Feb, and two weeks of not eating for two weeks while he was in the hospital and them not getting him up and walking so he is just soooooo weak.

I am pissed that Dad doesn't qualify for State medical so I don't get any income to stay home with him, but I am fine with that, but it also doesn't help me find respite care. I really want to go to the races with Cody next weekend for MY birthday, but nope, I get to stay home and not do anything but take care of Dad. Then the week of my birthday I get to spend at the VA because Dad has 3 appts that week, the 17th the 18th (my birthday) and the 19th!!!!

I know it is childish to be whinning about the fact that I don't get to do anything for my birthday but at this point I don't even think that I will get to go out to dinner. Our Anniversary was runied as well, and I am just mad that I have to do this alone. I know that I have help from Cody and from some great friends but right now I feel lost in a sea of despair and hopelessness. And I know that I have to do this again!!! Dad still has to have his hernia repaired! So it will be another surgery and another turn with PT and OT, and people telling me how to make MY HOUSE more sutible for Dad. It just pisses me off that people don't seem to care that it is MY House and I have to live here too, and that I don't plan on turning my house into a retierment house! I need to be able to live here too!

I feel so alone in this struggle, and when I talk to Cody he lets me know how frusterated and irritated he is as well and I have no one that I can really vent to. If I vent to much to Cody we are going to end up in a fight because he is just as stressed out as I am, and knowing that I am stuck here doesn't help. I am so mad that I have to give up what I want to do! And Dad is so much more work right now than he was when he came home in April that I am just devistated! And maybe I am just irritated, but it seems like Dad isn't trying as hard to get back to where he was!

Back to Square One

Well actually we are behind square one. Dad is home from the hospital, and needs more help than he did when he came home from the fall. He is having issues with bladder and bowel control, as well as he will be back on oxygen while active.
I am so frustrated, any strides we made in the last 3 months are gone, and I am once again tied to home. I am not sure I can even leave for a few minutes to run to the store or take a bike ride. Dad is in no condition to travel with us, so even if my dragster was up and running, I would be done for the year. I tried to find a sitter for the next race, and both of the ones I can rely on have other things going on, which I totally understand, but since the state won't cover in home care, I can't get respite care in here with out it being out of pocket at $20+ an hour, and it would cost more to have someone come in for Dad than it would for us to race.
I am praying and hoping that it doesn't take Dad to long to bounce back from this and he can gain back his limited independence that he had before he went in, so I can also have some independence again! I love my father and will do what is necessary to care for him but this feels like a huge backslide! I really hope that he gets on his feet before we go to see family in late September. That is 7 weeks away from today. I am sure that he will make great strides between now and then, we have a stubborn streak!

So much has happened

In the few weeks since I last posted. I blew up the engine in my car at the Drag Racing school that I went to, and Dad is in the hospital so we probably WON'T make it to the reunion this weekend.

First off, my poor engine, The #7 rod broke at the wrist pin and put a hole in both sides of the oil pan as well as some other damage. So I figure that I am done for the season. Maybe, we found a new engine the other night and may be able to get up and running soon.




But after I got home from the class, the Sunday following, Dad started not feeling well, He had his first physical therapy appt, and Sis had a dentist appt that day as well. On the way home from the dentist I stopped and got him some 7Up, thinking that Maybe he just had an icky belly. On Tuesday he had his MRI and still wasn't feeling well, so I took him into the ER at the VA. Well after a long week of miscommunication and waiting to see what Dad's body was going to do, he went in for Surgery yesterday morning. They did not have to do any reconstructing of his bowel, but he did have some adhesion's and some blockages. They took him to ICU after the surgery for close supervision, and I will go see him today and hope that they can transfer him to a regular bed today. I don't think that he will be home by Thursday, and even if he is, he has a long belly incision and being in a car for 12 hours isn't a good idea. So we will go see the family in September. It also won't be has hot then, and it is still early enough in fall that we won't have to deal with snow on the mountains. Depending on how Dad is feeling and everything else going on, we may take a whole week and go to Idaho as well to see his Sister. We will see how he feels at that time and how everything else is going in our lives.

Wow 12 weeks already

Well I have been home for 12 weeks already. I should have gone back to work today. I did tell my wonderful boss about a month ago that I would not be able to come back. Dad still has so many appointments and so many things going on that even if I was to try and go back it would only be part time and not very reliable at that.

So we have adjusted to life with me being home. I am doing more yard work and grocery shopping on my own, which I HATE by the way! (the grocery shopping, not the yard work) But we are half way through the summer and things are going ok. I have a garden growing with jalapenos, cucumbers, peas, and cauliflower. I also have tomatoes in big pots. I am looking forward to being able to harvest and use all the home grown goodness.

We have been to some races, and we have taken Dad and Traci with us a few times. I feel a little jipped though,, we bought the motor home so we wouldn't have to sleep in the car trailer, and we are still sleeping in the car trailer! :) But it is alright since I am still getting the opportunity to race. And Cody has been great about helping out!

We still have a busy month ahead of us. I have Drag Racing school this week,(I am so excited) and then next week Dad starts his physical therapy. Plus and MRI on his shoulder. Then we have another race on the 24th and 25th which I have a Dad sitter lined up, and then we are off to a Hansen family reunion! I am so not looking forward to the 12 hour drive in the heat, but it will be so great to see family for a happy event, and for more than a few hours.

Uggg!

Yesterday was our 14 year anniversary, and we spent it in a bad mood. My Sis is being a pain. She has been defiant and not listening and just being a brat. I talked to her yesterday and she admitted that she is trying to push hubby and I apart so I could spend more time with her, and that she feels left out. I flat out told her that if she forces me to choose between the two of them that she will loose because I will choose my hubby over her. But that will also affect Dad. I can't afford to stay home and take care of Dad if she isn't here as well, and if she goes, I will have to put Dad in a Long Term Care facility and go back to work. It is all or nothing.

We ended up making up and working things out, but we are both still so frustrated with her behavior. Most parents can look forward to their kids growing out of a difficult stage, but Sis will be stuck here forever. I just hope that she realizes that she has to adapt. She is not nor will she ever be the center of my universe. I know that sounds harsh, but my Mom, who I love, did the best she could with what she knew, and she made Sis the center of everything. Sis got a present on My birthday as a child, because Mom didn't think that she would understand why I was getting all the attention. I didn't get a present on her birthday because I could understand. And that is just a small thing, Mom would miss my soccer games or whatever to be at Sis' events. I did and do understand but it has made my life that much harder because I am not willing to give up who I am and what I want for her. She can blend in with the family, she can give up being the center of the world so that EVERYONE gets what they need.
I can see how easy it is to give up what you want for someone with special needs, but I need to maintain my life. I don't want to just be a caregiver. I want to maintain ME! I want to live my LIFE, and it is only a small part of my life that is a caregiver. I am still a wife and a person, a daughter, a friend, and a sister. I am not a single thing. I am a whole complete person, and I want to keep it that way.
I am so frustrated because I don't know how to get through to her that she is the one that is the cause of all her groundings and not being included. If she would what we ask with out the defiance, she would be included, but I am not willing to reward bad behavior. I have the energy to fight with her and not give in and back down like Mom used to do.

I do have to stay that my husband has taken on so much, not only did he marry me, he has taken on my sis and now my father, and he is supporting us with all this turmoil and frustration. He is my Rock, and my sanity, my best friend, my love, and the world to me. I love him more today than I did on the day I married him. I had no idea when we married what life would bring, and it has never been boring, but through it all we have always been a good team! We are definitely soul mates. Not many people are as lucky as I am to have found my soul mate at 19. Thank you for an adventurous 14 years. Here is looking forward to the next chapters of our life.

Settling in,, I guess

Well it has been a month now that I have been home, and I haven't been able to accomplish much of what I had wanted to. Caring for Dad takes alot of time, which I knew it would. I just didn't think it would be THIS MUCH. But with his PT and OT appts, that are in the middle of our morning, it really messes with the whole day. I think once we are done with those, it should really help.

I am adjusting to the Suzie Homemaker role I guess. I have made bread (and it is edible) and I made two batches of Cupcakes to take to the race track for Cody's birthday last weekend. We had a blast. It was so nice to have the break.

I have wonderful friends who stayed with Dad while we were gone. Cody won his class and I went to the Semi Finals, which is the Farthest I have ever been in a race and I was happy as a clam!
Here is a link to the picture from Cody's win http://www.madrasdragstrip.com/51610bswin.jpg
All in all it was a good weekend.

I really think that things will work out. Dad is doing so much better, and although he doesn't need assistance to get out of his chair or bed anymore, he still needs ALOT of supervison.
I still have alot of adjusting to do, but we are making it work since that is what I do best! I make it work!

Week One

Well all I can say is WOW! What a week. We got Dad home on Tuesday and he had me up 3 times that night for bathroom trips. Wednesday he had me up once, Thursday the walkie talkie batteries died so he couldn't get me up, but it all worked out. It was a very tough week. He has no set routine yet, and we were kinda flying by the seat of our pants. I can't count how many times I walked up and down the stairs. Good for the legs and butt right?
I got the first taste of the insurance hell I am going to have to go through on Thursday when I got a phone call from the Trama Dr's from the ICU. VA denied the claims siting that the he has other insurance even though he doesn't have what they are saying he does and they know it! So I had to type up a letter and have Dad sign it stating that he doesn't have any other insurance and to please proccess his claims. So we mailed that off. Hopefully it works. Then when I went to get the mail on Friday there was 52 letter's of denial from the VA in the mail. 52!
I was able to find a friend to house/dad sit for the weekend so I could go to the races in Boise. Hubby left with the Motorhome and the Dogs on Wednesday. Some good friends of ours from UT that came up for the races, picked me up from the airport an took me out to the track. It was so awesome to have a weekend away. I have been stressing and on the go since October of last year. It has been one thing after another after another. If things come in 3's I should be set for the next 10 years!
We were able to visit my Inlaw's while in Boise. I miss seeing them. I am blessed with the worlds greatest in laws. At least that is my opinion.
Today we are getting a home visit from a RN to evaluate Dad for in home therapy. I have so much to do and I haven't gotten anything done. I need to clean the fish tank, but I don't want to start on anything until after the RN comes and goes. Plus Dad needs a pedicure and I am not touching his nasty feet so after the appt with the RN, we are going to go get that done. He has two appts tomorrow at the VA, so we will need to be up and outta the house by 6:45. That way I don't have to drive through downtown Portland during morning rush hour. So I won't get anything done tomorrow either. I guess I will have to be busy the rest of the week. And Hubby has to be gone this weekend for work. I have a whole new appreciation for anyone who stays home for any reason. I feel like I haven't accomplished squat but I have been busy all day. Every day. We definitly need to get a routine going and all that. Hopefully after this appt today we can start to figure that all out. I need a schedule to work well. If I don't have enough structure I get to easily distracted!

Home

Today is the day. Dad is home. We were told to go to the VA to pick up his medication, and of course, we got there, and no medication. We waited over 45 minutes to talk to the Dr or his nurse, and it didn't happen, so I scheduled an appt for this afternoon to get it resolved. The nurse has called to find out what is going on and we may not have to go back. I am expecting another call.

It is very frustrating to not know what is going on! The left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing, and it sucks being caught in the middle.

So far Dad has needed help to get up the stairs which I knew he would, and it hasn't been too bad, He is trying to be non needy, but I also understand that he is NEEDY right now and I expect it.

I know that my life is going to be changing and I really think that I have done what I can to prepare, but I am sure that the reality will be completely different than my expectations.
I just want everyone to be happy and get what they need. I know that I will have to make sacrifices for that to happen. I hope that is appreciated. I am going to be giving up my extra income, my sense of self by not having a job and not contributing that way. I will be giving up my individuality and trying to become a selfless caregiver. How does one make that transition. I can see it when you are becoming a parent. I understand the desire to stay home with the baby, but most people in my situation would let someone else care for the parent. I know that would be easier on me, but I don't really trust someone else to do my job. I never have. Even with Dad being in Rehabs and everything else,I know he got alright care, but it is a JOB to the staff, most of them are there to collect a paycheck, not all of them CARE about the patient, and you can see it. Dad had some Great nurses and therapist, and he also had some not so great ones. I respect people who choose to go into the medical field, but damn it, if you are going to do it, do it for the right reasons. Don't do it because you think it will be easy to get a job. Care about the people that you are caring for, treat them with respect, they don't really want to be there, they would all rather be home, so make them welcome! Don't treat them like mindless children! Let them know what you need to do and why, don't just start doing things and then get mad when they resist! Dad told me of one nurse who just kept coming in and start undressing him for bed or a shower with out even a Hello how are you doing?- Really, How would you like that? I understand that you have a job to do, and you may have a time line, but BE NICE! It is a lot better for you and for your patients. Well I need to make lunch for Dad. So it begins.

Reality Check

Well Dad has been in rehab 2 days and they are already talking about his release date. They said he should be out in a week to a week and 1/2. Really OMG, I have so much I need to get done between now and then, and no time to do it. Tonight we got a lot of errands done, so tomorrow I can focus on cleaning and getting things ready for him to be home.
I need to talk to my boss tomorrow about Friday being my last day since I am already going to be gone the first part of next week for my surgery. I am sad yet relived to be going. I am ready to stop spreading myself so thin. I haven't devoted the right attention to anything lately just because I am trying to get everything done. When my Mom was sick, I had sibling help, and now I am doing it all on my own.

Randomness/thoughts

Dad will be moving to a long term care facility/skilled nursing facility towards that end of next week. I have not been happy with the lack of communication from the place he is at now. It took 4 days and then 4 phone calls on Friday for them to tell me that they didn't have anyplace in mind yet, but would get me that information on Monday.

I also found out that I have to have a hernia surgery myself. It is scheduled for the 19th of April. Hopefully I will be healed enough by the time Dad gets home to be able to lift stuff.
I know that God wont give me anything more than what We can handle as a team,, but I really wish that He wouldn't test my strength to these limits. I am so tired and just want a break. I won't give up, and I will make it through. I know that and I have faith, and I know that there are many people worse off than I am, but I am tired.
I also got a friend request on FB from my nephew, whom I haven't seen since he was 4, and I have no relationship with his parents by their choice. I ignored it. But I feel horrible. I don't want him to think it is his fault. But his mother is the one that made the choice to cut us out of her life by her lack of trust and many other issues. I wasn't even able to send him a message explaining why. When he is older and not living with his mother, and she doesn't have the ability to look over his shoulder, I will attempt contact then. But she made her bed, and I cannot deal with the heartbreak, lies and massive mood swings that she has and inflicts on others. I tried for 9 years after my Mom passed away to make it work. I know that I will meet my God with a clear conscious about this. God will understand that I couldn't allow her negativity and maliciousness to be a part of my life. She has destroyed so many friendship and realationships with her lies and off the wall random made up things. It breaks my heart that she has been able to do all of this, pitting one person against the other.

Big Steps forward

Things are starting to fall in place. Dad is doing well, even though it is slow going, and training is going on at work! The new hire is working out alright, She needs to get some confinence, but that will come with time. I hope she show's up on Monday! The more I talk to Dad about how he is doing, the more I think that I will not be able to return to work after the 12 weeks of FMLA. I am very torn about that. I love my job. But my family needs me. Dad thinks that he has a cataract in his good eye. He is having a very hard time seeing anything, and I guess two years ago at his eye appt, they told him that one was starting they thought! So we will have to have that check out. Plus the hurnia surgery still needs to be done! OMG it sucks to be the sole caregiver! I hate that Cody and I have no help. Someone told me to contact my brothers and tell them that I needed help, but I couldn't count on them when it wasn't serious, and I am not about to open that can of worms, or deal with the years of negative for a few months of crappy help!
Dad is starting to walk a few times a day, and he is eating solid food, and has the trache out completely. He is making leaps and bounds on getting better but he has lost so much from the injury and the 3 weeks of sedation. It is going to be a long road. It is very hard to see your parent be so frusterated and so heartbroken about losing the ability to be independant. I wish I could fix it. That is who I am, I fix things! I make it work, I take what I have and I make the best of it. That is who I am, that is what I do. It breaks my heart to see my Dad get so upset and even cry about his situation. I want to fix it, I want to make it better now! I want to find and wave a magic wand to make everything work and be good!

Exhausted

Well it has been a tough week, We were shorthanded at work on Monday and Tuesday, and of course they moved Dad on Monday! I got the phone call at 1:30 pm that they were moving him at 2. Really Nice,, thanks for the warning. I was able to finish up what I HAD to get done at work, and left at 3. I love that my coworker let me leave. Tuesday was the day that Dad could talk! It was very nice to be able to hear him and not try to guess what he was trying to say.
Wednesday and Thursday Dad was exhausted when I got to the hospital. They are working him hard to get him rehabilitated and home.
But Sis is pushing buttons and being a Turd! I know that she in not getting what she wants right now.. but none of are! I have been neglecting everything! Husband, critters, house, work, everything! Sis isn't the only one who is only getting the bare minimum.
I am glad that we found someone for work. She starts on Tuesday. I hope to have her up and on the phones by Friday! We need to fast track her training so I can be ready to leave at a moments notice. Because that is probably all I will get!
They did another CT scan on Dad's hip today. I am not sure what the results were. I didn't get to see a Dr. tonight. Dad is worn OUT when I get there, and he is usually eating his pureed dinner and then he is ready for a nap. So I am not staying long, but I am trying to get up there every day. He called his Sister tonight from my phone, and talked to her for a few minutes. Dad is flustered with his memory gaps and everything. I tell him that he needs to focus on getting healthy and then we will worry about everything else. He was stressing about his quarterly life insurance,, and I told him not to worry about his bills. I am taking care of all of them. That is why we have me on his accounts. So in the event of something like this it is taken care of.
I am just exhausted. I am tired of all the running and all the work and being pulled in so many directions. All to soon though I will be home with so much time on my hands I will be going NUTS!

Happy Dance Day~

Well they have Dad to the point that he can talk and eat real food! It was puree'd but it was real food! He was also able to have a conversation! He Asked if we could make a ramp for his walker out the back door. So we have some things to get done before he gets home, but he will be coming home!
I know that this is a short post, but I thought I would share the good news!

Progress

Well today was a good day for Dad. They had him stand up! Granted he looked like the hunback of Norte Dame, but he was standing on his own (sorta) He had help from the PT and the Nurse, but he stood up for almost 3 minutes. Then they but him back in bed for about 5 minutes and then stood him up for another few minutes then set him down in a real chair! He should move to the other hospital on Monday or Tuesday. Which sucks for me since I will not be able to leave work to be there when he is transfered. But it is what it is.
Dad is very upset with how weak he is. I still don't think he realizes how long or had bad he has been hurt. He wants to come home so bad! and I want him home, but we need to get him healthy. It is hard to see him so upset. But He will get better, We are too stubborn not to get better!

Tough day

Today was a bad bad day for me. I didn't know a person could cry that much in an 8 hour work day. I talked to my boss today and told him that we needed to get someone in and training so I could take FMLA. I think that is where we are going to start. I LOVE my job, I know so few people who can say that, and some who say it and don't really mean it. I don't ever want to work somewhere else. I have had great jobs before and jobs I have really liked, but nothing like this. I am exhausted. I really hope that 12 weeks will be enough,, but I really don't think it will be. I am heartbroken with the need to make this decision. But Family comes first.
Dad is doing a little bit better. He was going to transfer to a secondary hospital but he has a blockage in his stomach and they are not sure what it is, but they hope it will pass on it's own. We are doing the wait and see approach. At least he doesn't have to have surgery at this time. Hopefully we can transfer him early next week.
I see so many positives for everyone in my household, and some for me, but the only one who will be making sacrifice's is me. Is that selfish? I know that sounds horribly selfish, but it is true. I will be sacrificing my independance, and my social interaction with my peers, and my sence of accomplishment of a job well done. I know that I will never make a million dollars at my job, but I love it, I love that I can totally be myself, and I don't have to hide my tattoo's or dress up and I get to laugh and have fun and not worry about someone getting their nose out of joint.
Well I need to get some sleep, Tomorrow will be another long day.

Monday's

Today was a very bad day for me, I am stressed and maxxed out. They want to move Dad to a long term care facility to wean him off the vent. The webiste for this place said that the average lenth of stay is 25 plus days!!! OMG really? Does Dad really need another 3 fucking weeks on a vent?? He was breathing spontaniously all day today with very little pressure support. So I don't understand why he would he would need another 3 weeks on a vent!
I haven't actually talked to the Dr. I did get a phone call update from a Physicians Assistant today, but I am still not satisfied with the lack of answers! Is this place covered by the VA? they coudn't tell me. They could only tell me that they will have approval before they transfer him. I have a headache and a heartache and I am exhausted.
I am sure that we will keep Dad and Traci here. I know that it is feasable not to have them here. But We couldn't live with that choice. I know that there are many people who choose to abandon their families, but I would never be able to do that.

Decisions

Well I was at the hospital for 6 hours today for 4 minutes with the Dr. Yet another new doctor, and still no real answers.
Sis is being a big pain in the ass. She doesn't react well to stress, and she is acting out horribly. She is not listening and she is just pushing buttons and it is so hard.
Hubby and I looked over our bills and our budget and discovered that is we make it tight we can make it without the rent and other income that we get from them. So now we have more decisions to make, if they recommend long term assisted living for Dad, do we also look at assisted living for Sis, and OMG have our house to ourselves? I don't know what that would be like. We wouldn't be able to race, at least not until we rearanged some monthly bills.
So know we have more options and more decisions to make and how to know what the right one. Do we put Sis and Dad in assisted living, and live our lives the way we would have with out them? Or do we make the sacrifices and keep them here?
I really don't know what to do, and how to make the decision.

Frustration

Well today was pretty crappy for a Friday, Dad had a new nurse today and although she is sweet, she is a bit of an airhead and apparently doesn't know how to read. Dad had been on antibiotics for 7 days for pneumonia and a staff infection,, and she told me today when I called that she thought he was "coming down with pneumonia" OMG REALLY???
I did go up to the hospital after work and Dad looked tired, They had him on spontaneous breathing for over 7 hours today and he was worn out! But it is a good thing, this way he can build up his breathing strenght this way.
Then I get home to my wonderful husband frustrated with Sis, she doesn't react well to change and stress and that is all our lives have been for the last two weeks, so she is being a mouthy and smart mouth little shit. I can deal with it, I grew up with it, but Hubby is coming in as an outsider and even though she has been with us for 9 years now, she still doesn't respect him like she does Dad or I. I wish that she would do better with him, and I wish that she would realize that after almost 14 years, he isn't going anywhere. But then again she has the mind of a child and with the other divorces in our family, and the distasters that happened after that,, I can see why she is leery and she doesn't have a concept of time, not like you or I do. She will tell you that something happened last week, when it happened years ago, and things that happened yesterday, she can't remember. How do you explain that to an outsider, someone who didn't grow up with anyone with a learning disability? Most of my family can deal with it, Cousins and close friends that have been a part of our lives for years and years, But someone who didn't grow up with it, it has to be hard. However I don't have the power to change it. I just hope that things calm down very soon!

My Crazy Life

Well my life is Crazy, I am not talking clinically insane, but most mortals would not do what I do. I take care of my mentally challenged sister, and elderly father, as well as work full time and drag race with my husband of almost 14 years.
All to soon I am going to be a full time care giver. My Dad took a tumble on the 26th of Feb, and has been in ICU since. Today was the first day that he was off of heavy sedation medications and was able to open his eyes and respond to commands. He has a ventilator and so he is not able to talk right now. This weekend should bring some new information and find out a more laid out plan.
My husband has been great with supporting me through all of this and I have found out who my true friends and support system is. I have had people step up to the plate and offer help and support that I never would have expected, and some people who would have thought would have been at my side in a heartbeat barely give me a phone call.
I have had to make some really tough decisions in regard to my siblings. I do take care of my Sister, but I also have 3 older brothers whom I do not have a relationship with anymore. I do love them and miss them but they made the decisions that they have that I cannot control.
I try not to deal with the toxicity of life.
I will post more later, this is just the intro into me!