I am so upset and frusterated right now, I feel like my life is over. I know that I am just tired from the lack of sleep, and irritated that the VA took so long to do a surgery on Dad while he just got weaker and weaker! He hadn't gained back enough weight from the fall in Feb, and two weeks of not eating for two weeks while he was in the hospital and them not getting him up and walking so he is just soooooo weak.
I am pissed that Dad doesn't qualify for State medical so I don't get any income to stay home with him, but I am fine with that, but it also doesn't help me find respite care. I really want to go to the races with Cody next weekend for MY birthday, but nope, I get to stay home and not do anything but take care of Dad. Then the week of my birthday I get to spend at the VA because Dad has 3 appts that week, the 17th the 18th (my birthday) and the 19th!!!!
I know it is childish to be whinning about the fact that I don't get to do anything for my birthday but at this point I don't even think that I will get to go out to dinner. Our Anniversary was runied as well, and I am just mad that I have to do this alone. I know that I have help from Cody and from some great friends but right now I feel lost in a sea of despair and hopelessness. And I know that I have to do this again!!! Dad still has to have his hernia repaired! So it will be another surgery and another turn with PT and OT, and people telling me how to make MY HOUSE more sutible for Dad. It just pisses me off that people don't seem to care that it is MY House and I have to live here too, and that I don't plan on turning my house into a retierment house! I need to be able to live here too!
I feel so alone in this struggle, and when I talk to Cody he lets me know how frusterated and irritated he is as well and I have no one that I can really vent to. If I vent to much to Cody we are going to end up in a fight because he is just as stressed out as I am, and knowing that I am stuck here doesn't help. I am so mad that I have to give up what I want to do! And Dad is so much more work right now than he was when he came home in April that I am just devistated! And maybe I am just irritated, but it seems like Dad isn't trying as hard to get back to where he was!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Back to Square One
Well actually we are behind square one. Dad is home from the hospital, and needs more help than he did when he came home from the fall. He is having issues with bladder and bowel control, as well as he will be back on oxygen while active.
I am so frustrated, any strides we made in the last 3 months are gone, and I am once again tied to home. I am not sure I can even leave for a few minutes to run to the store or take a bike ride. Dad is in no condition to travel with us, so even if my dragster was up and running, I would be done for the year. I tried to find a sitter for the next race, and both of the ones I can rely on have other things going on, which I totally understand, but since the state won't cover in home care, I can't get respite care in here with out it being out of pocket at $20+ an hour, and it would cost more to have someone come in for Dad than it would for us to race.
I am praying and hoping that it doesn't take Dad to long to bounce back from this and he can gain back his limited independence that he had before he went in, so I can also have some independence again! I love my father and will do what is necessary to care for him but this feels like a huge backslide! I really hope that he gets on his feet before we go to see family in late September. That is 7 weeks away from today. I am sure that he will make great strides between now and then, we have a stubborn streak!
I am so frustrated, any strides we made in the last 3 months are gone, and I am once again tied to home. I am not sure I can even leave for a few minutes to run to the store or take a bike ride. Dad is in no condition to travel with us, so even if my dragster was up and running, I would be done for the year. I tried to find a sitter for the next race, and both of the ones I can rely on have other things going on, which I totally understand, but since the state won't cover in home care, I can't get respite care in here with out it being out of pocket at $20+ an hour, and it would cost more to have someone come in for Dad than it would for us to race.
I am praying and hoping that it doesn't take Dad to long to bounce back from this and he can gain back his limited independence that he had before he went in, so I can also have some independence again! I love my father and will do what is necessary to care for him but this feels like a huge backslide! I really hope that he gets on his feet before we go to see family in late September. That is 7 weeks away from today. I am sure that he will make great strides between now and then, we have a stubborn streak!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
So much has happened
In the few weeks since I last posted. I blew up the engine in my car at the Drag Racing school that I went to, and Dad is in the hospital so we probably WON'T make it to the reunion this weekend.
First off, my poor engine, The #7 rod broke at the wrist pin and put a hole in both sides of the oil pan as well as some other damage. So I figure that I am done for the season. Maybe, we found a new engine the other night and may be able to get up and running soon.
But after I got home from the class, the Sunday following, Dad started not feeling well, He had his first physical therapy appt, and Sis had a dentist appt that day as well. On the way home from the dentist I stopped and got him some 7Up, thinking that Maybe he just had an icky belly. On Tuesday he had his MRI and still wasn't feeling well, so I took him into the ER at the VA. Well after a long week of miscommunication and waiting to see what Dad's body was going to do, he went in for Surgery yesterday morning. They did not have to do any reconstructing of his bowel, but he did have some adhesion's and some blockages. They took him to ICU after the surgery for close supervision, and I will go see him today and hope that they can transfer him to a regular bed today. I don't think that he will be home by Thursday, and even if he is, he has a long belly incision and being in a car for 12 hours isn't a good idea. So we will go see the family in September. It also won't be has hot then, and it is still early enough in fall that we won't have to deal with snow on the mountains. Depending on how Dad is feeling and everything else going on, we may take a whole week and go to Idaho as well to see his Sister. We will see how he feels at that time and how everything else is going in our lives.
First off, my poor engine, The #7 rod broke at the wrist pin and put a hole in both sides of the oil pan as well as some other damage. So I figure that I am done for the season. Maybe, we found a new engine the other night and may be able to get up and running soon.
But after I got home from the class, the Sunday following, Dad started not feeling well, He had his first physical therapy appt, and Sis had a dentist appt that day as well. On the way home from the dentist I stopped and got him some 7Up, thinking that Maybe he just had an icky belly. On Tuesday he had his MRI and still wasn't feeling well, so I took him into the ER at the VA. Well after a long week of miscommunication and waiting to see what Dad's body was going to do, he went in for Surgery yesterday morning. They did not have to do any reconstructing of his bowel, but he did have some adhesion's and some blockages. They took him to ICU after the surgery for close supervision, and I will go see him today and hope that they can transfer him to a regular bed today. I don't think that he will be home by Thursday, and even if he is, he has a long belly incision and being in a car for 12 hours isn't a good idea. So we will go see the family in September. It also won't be has hot then, and it is still early enough in fall that we won't have to deal with snow on the mountains. Depending on how Dad is feeling and everything else going on, we may take a whole week and go to Idaho as well to see his Sister. We will see how he feels at that time and how everything else is going in our lives.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Wow 12 weeks already
Well I have been home for 12 weeks already. I should have gone back to work today. I did tell my wonderful boss about a month ago that I would not be able to come back. Dad still has so many appointments and so many things going on that even if I was to try and go back it would only be part time and not very reliable at that.
So we have adjusted to life with me being home. I am doing more yard work and grocery shopping on my own, which I HATE by the way! (the grocery shopping, not the yard work) But we are half way through the summer and things are going ok. I have a garden growing with jalapenos, cucumbers, peas, and cauliflower. I also have tomatoes in big pots. I am looking forward to being able to harvest and use all the home grown goodness.
We have been to some races, and we have taken Dad and Traci with us a few times. I feel a little jipped though,, we bought the motor home so we wouldn't have to sleep in the car trailer, and we are still sleeping in the car trailer! :) But it is alright since I am still getting the opportunity to race. And Cody has been great about helping out!
We still have a busy month ahead of us. I have Drag Racing school this week,(I am so excited) and then next week Dad starts his physical therapy. Plus and MRI on his shoulder. Then we have another race on the 24th and 25th which I have a Dad sitter lined up, and then we are off to a Hansen family reunion! I am so not looking forward to the 12 hour drive in the heat, but it will be so great to see family for a happy event, and for more than a few hours.
So we have adjusted to life with me being home. I am doing more yard work and grocery shopping on my own, which I HATE by the way! (the grocery shopping, not the yard work) But we are half way through the summer and things are going ok. I have a garden growing with jalapenos, cucumbers, peas, and cauliflower. I also have tomatoes in big pots. I am looking forward to being able to harvest and use all the home grown goodness.
We have been to some races, and we have taken Dad and Traci with us a few times. I feel a little jipped though,, we bought the motor home so we wouldn't have to sleep in the car trailer, and we are still sleeping in the car trailer! :) But it is alright since I am still getting the opportunity to race. And Cody has been great about helping out!
We still have a busy month ahead of us. I have Drag Racing school this week,(I am so excited) and then next week Dad starts his physical therapy. Plus and MRI on his shoulder. Then we have another race on the 24th and 25th which I have a Dad sitter lined up, and then we are off to a Hansen family reunion! I am so not looking forward to the 12 hour drive in the heat, but it will be so great to see family for a happy event, and for more than a few hours.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Uggg!
Yesterday was our 14 year anniversary, and we spent it in a bad mood. My Sis is being a pain. She has been defiant and not listening and just being a brat. I talked to her yesterday and she admitted that she is trying to push hubby and I apart so I could spend more time with her, and that she feels left out. I flat out told her that if she forces me to choose between the two of them that she will loose because I will choose my hubby over her. But that will also affect Dad. I can't afford to stay home and take care of Dad if she isn't here as well, and if she goes, I will have to put Dad in a Long Term Care facility and go back to work. It is all or nothing.
We ended up making up and working things out, but we are both still so frustrated with her behavior. Most parents can look forward to their kids growing out of a difficult stage, but Sis will be stuck here forever. I just hope that she realizes that she has to adapt. She is not nor will she ever be the center of my universe. I know that sounds harsh, but my Mom, who I love, did the best she could with what she knew, and she made Sis the center of everything. Sis got a present on My birthday as a child, because Mom didn't think that she would understand why I was getting all the attention. I didn't get a present on her birthday because I could understand. And that is just a small thing, Mom would miss my soccer games or whatever to be at Sis' events. I did and do understand but it has made my life that much harder because I am not willing to give up who I am and what I want for her. She can blend in with the family, she can give up being the center of the world so that EVERYONE gets what they need.
I can see how easy it is to give up what you want for someone with special needs, but I need to maintain my life. I don't want to just be a caregiver. I want to maintain ME! I want to live my LIFE, and it is only a small part of my life that is a caregiver. I am still a wife and a person, a daughter, a friend, and a sister. I am not a single thing. I am a whole complete person, and I want to keep it that way.
I am so frustrated because I don't know how to get through to her that she is the one that is the cause of all her groundings and not being included. If she would what we ask with out the defiance, she would be included, but I am not willing to reward bad behavior. I have the energy to fight with her and not give in and back down like Mom used to do.
I do have to stay that my husband has taken on so much, not only did he marry me, he has taken on my sis and now my father, and he is supporting us with all this turmoil and frustration. He is my Rock, and my sanity, my best friend, my love, and the world to me. I love him more today than I did on the day I married him. I had no idea when we married what life would bring, and it has never been boring, but through it all we have always been a good team! We are definitely soul mates. Not many people are as lucky as I am to have found my soul mate at 19. Thank you for an adventurous 14 years. Here is looking forward to the next chapters of our life.
We ended up making up and working things out, but we are both still so frustrated with her behavior. Most parents can look forward to their kids growing out of a difficult stage, but Sis will be stuck here forever. I just hope that she realizes that she has to adapt. She is not nor will she ever be the center of my universe. I know that sounds harsh, but my Mom, who I love, did the best she could with what she knew, and she made Sis the center of everything. Sis got a present on My birthday as a child, because Mom didn't think that she would understand why I was getting all the attention. I didn't get a present on her birthday because I could understand. And that is just a small thing, Mom would miss my soccer games or whatever to be at Sis' events. I did and do understand but it has made my life that much harder because I am not willing to give up who I am and what I want for her. She can blend in with the family, she can give up being the center of the world so that EVERYONE gets what they need.
I can see how easy it is to give up what you want for someone with special needs, but I need to maintain my life. I don't want to just be a caregiver. I want to maintain ME! I want to live my LIFE, and it is only a small part of my life that is a caregiver. I am still a wife and a person, a daughter, a friend, and a sister. I am not a single thing. I am a whole complete person, and I want to keep it that way.
I am so frustrated because I don't know how to get through to her that she is the one that is the cause of all her groundings and not being included. If she would what we ask with out the defiance, she would be included, but I am not willing to reward bad behavior. I have the energy to fight with her and not give in and back down like Mom used to do.
I do have to stay that my husband has taken on so much, not only did he marry me, he has taken on my sis and now my father, and he is supporting us with all this turmoil and frustration. He is my Rock, and my sanity, my best friend, my love, and the world to me. I love him more today than I did on the day I married him. I had no idea when we married what life would bring, and it has never been boring, but through it all we have always been a good team! We are definitely soul mates. Not many people are as lucky as I am to have found my soul mate at 19. Thank you for an adventurous 14 years. Here is looking forward to the next chapters of our life.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Settling in,, I guess
Well it has been a month now that I have been home, and I haven't been able to accomplish much of what I had wanted to. Caring for Dad takes alot of time, which I knew it would. I just didn't think it would be THIS MUCH. But with his PT and OT appts, that are in the middle of our morning, it really messes with the whole day. I think once we are done with those, it should really help.
I am adjusting to the Suzie Homemaker role I guess. I have made bread (and it is edible) and I made two batches of Cupcakes to take to the race track for Cody's birthday last weekend. We had a blast. It was so nice to have the break.
I have wonderful friends who stayed with Dad while we were gone. Cody won his class and I went to the Semi Finals, which is the Farthest I have ever been in a race and I was happy as a clam!
Here is a link to the picture from Cody's win http://www.madrasdragstrip.com/51610bswin.jpg
All in all it was a good weekend.
I really think that things will work out. Dad is doing so much better, and although he doesn't need assistance to get out of his chair or bed anymore, he still needs ALOT of supervison.
I still have alot of adjusting to do, but we are making it work since that is what I do best! I make it work!
I am adjusting to the Suzie Homemaker role I guess. I have made bread (and it is edible) and I made two batches of Cupcakes to take to the race track for Cody's birthday last weekend. We had a blast. It was so nice to have the break.
I have wonderful friends who stayed with Dad while we were gone. Cody won his class and I went to the Semi Finals, which is the Farthest I have ever been in a race and I was happy as a clam!
Here is a link to the picture from Cody's win http://www.madrasdragstrip.com/51610bswin.jpg
All in all it was a good weekend.
I really think that things will work out. Dad is doing so much better, and although he doesn't need assistance to get out of his chair or bed anymore, he still needs ALOT of supervison.
I still have alot of adjusting to do, but we are making it work since that is what I do best! I make it work!
Monday, May 3, 2010
Week One
Well all I can say is WOW! What a week. We got Dad home on Tuesday and he had me up 3 times that night for bathroom trips. Wednesday he had me up once, Thursday the walkie talkie batteries died so he couldn't get me up, but it all worked out. It was a very tough week. He has no set routine yet, and we were kinda flying by the seat of our pants. I can't count how many times I walked up and down the stairs. Good for the legs and butt right?
I got the first taste of the insurance hell I am going to have to go through on Thursday when I got a phone call from the Trama Dr's from the ICU. VA denied the claims siting that the he has other insurance even though he doesn't have what they are saying he does and they know it! So I had to type up a letter and have Dad sign it stating that he doesn't have any other insurance and to please proccess his claims. So we mailed that off. Hopefully it works. Then when I went to get the mail on Friday there was 52 letter's of denial from the VA in the mail. 52!
I was able to find a friend to house/dad sit for the weekend so I could go to the races in Boise. Hubby left with the Motorhome and the Dogs on Wednesday. Some good friends of ours from UT that came up for the races, picked me up from the airport an took me out to the track. It was so awesome to have a weekend away. I have been stressing and on the go since October of last year. It has been one thing after another after another. If things come in 3's I should be set for the next 10 years!
We were able to visit my Inlaw's while in Boise. I miss seeing them. I am blessed with the worlds greatest in laws. At least that is my opinion.
Today we are getting a home visit from a RN to evaluate Dad for in home therapy. I have so much to do and I haven't gotten anything done. I need to clean the fish tank, but I don't want to start on anything until after the RN comes and goes. Plus Dad needs a pedicure and I am not touching his nasty feet so after the appt with the RN, we are going to go get that done. He has two appts tomorrow at the VA, so we will need to be up and outta the house by 6:45. That way I don't have to drive through downtown Portland during morning rush hour. So I won't get anything done tomorrow either. I guess I will have to be busy the rest of the week. And Hubby has to be gone this weekend for work. I have a whole new appreciation for anyone who stays home for any reason. I feel like I haven't accomplished squat but I have been busy all day. Every day. We definitly need to get a routine going and all that. Hopefully after this appt today we can start to figure that all out. I need a schedule to work well. If I don't have enough structure I get to easily distracted!
I got the first taste of the insurance hell I am going to have to go through on Thursday when I got a phone call from the Trama Dr's from the ICU. VA denied the claims siting that the he has other insurance even though he doesn't have what they are saying he does and they know it! So I had to type up a letter and have Dad sign it stating that he doesn't have any other insurance and to please proccess his claims. So we mailed that off. Hopefully it works. Then when I went to get the mail on Friday there was 52 letter's of denial from the VA in the mail. 52!
I was able to find a friend to house/dad sit for the weekend so I could go to the races in Boise. Hubby left with the Motorhome and the Dogs on Wednesday. Some good friends of ours from UT that came up for the races, picked me up from the airport an took me out to the track. It was so awesome to have a weekend away. I have been stressing and on the go since October of last year. It has been one thing after another after another. If things come in 3's I should be set for the next 10 years!
We were able to visit my Inlaw's while in Boise. I miss seeing them. I am blessed with the worlds greatest in laws. At least that is my opinion.
Today we are getting a home visit from a RN to evaluate Dad for in home therapy. I have so much to do and I haven't gotten anything done. I need to clean the fish tank, but I don't want to start on anything until after the RN comes and goes. Plus Dad needs a pedicure and I am not touching his nasty feet so after the appt with the RN, we are going to go get that done. He has two appts tomorrow at the VA, so we will need to be up and outta the house by 6:45. That way I don't have to drive through downtown Portland during morning rush hour. So I won't get anything done tomorrow either. I guess I will have to be busy the rest of the week. And Hubby has to be gone this weekend for work. I have a whole new appreciation for anyone who stays home for any reason. I feel like I haven't accomplished squat but I have been busy all day. Every day. We definitly need to get a routine going and all that. Hopefully after this appt today we can start to figure that all out. I need a schedule to work well. If I don't have enough structure I get to easily distracted!
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